Get Off the Road!
Let me preface this little rant by stating that I know that I’m not the best driver in the world. I’ve had my share of dumb-ass moves and been in more than my share of accidents (I’d like to point out that 90% of these accidents were the fault of the other motorist(s), including the policemen with whose cars I collided, which is why my insurance is still low), and will certainly not claim to be holier than the unwashed masses. However, what I experience on a daily basis in this state boggles my mind. I just don’t understand what other people on the road are thinking and can only assume by their idiotic actions that they are, in fact, not. I assume it has to be like this in other states as well, but one thing that the Northeast has is a high density of cars on some outmoded roads. This means that our assclowns are worse than your assclowns only because they have much less space in which to perform their fuckery. What inspired me to tap out this little missive is the fact that my heart rate hit triple digits this morning on my commute into the office. Mind you, due to my recent heart issues I’m on drugs that keep my heart rate down so when I come close to my target exercise heart rate without actually moving, something’s amiss.
The sad thing is that there was nothing special about today’s traffic. As with every day, I have to fight my way out of my parking lot to get onto the main street. The road is two lanes, but in the morning everyone is trying to get into the right lane, including myself. The problem is that there is a traffic light a half-block up the road in the direction I’m headed (and another two blocks after that), so that means that all these people pile up and, unless I literally drive in between them, won’t stop to let me in the line. There are rare exceptions and I make it a point to wave in thank you and return the favor to someone else stuck trying to merge somewhere else in my commute. Most times I just stick the nose of my crappy economy car into the mix and see who blinks. Otherwise I’d never get out of the lot.
Then there’s the intersection where two lanes have a green arrow to make a left turn. It’s two lanes into two lanes, which isn’t really rocket science. You’re in your lane at the light, you make the left when the arrow turns green and stay in your lane. The moron in front of me in her RAV 4 couldn’t figure that out and stopped in the middle of the intersection, taking up both lanes and blocking all traffic, trying to decide which way to merge. Her indecision lasted long enough, and I’m talking a good time here, that I missed the next light, which I would have easily made had she just stayed in her lane and driven. And it’s not like she got in the wrong lane and was trying to merge over because she had to make a turn: there aren’t any turns to be made there.
What you may have noticed above is a repeating element of my morning commute: traffic lights. There’s a lot of them. Depending on how I get to the highway I go through either 10 or 9 sets of lights. Some of these lights are inordinately long too, because each direction of traffic gets their own light cycle. Add to this the fact that there is a large portion of the driving population that have no concept that there are other people on the road besides themselves and you’re looking at a frustrating experience.
And that’s one of the big things that gets to me: the sheer indifference to the other driver. I’m not asking people to speed or to break the law, all I want is for them to react promptly when the light changes. Confirm no one’s running the light and then go. Pay attention to what you’re doing, not your face in the mirror or your makeup or your hair or your genitalia or whatever the fuck it is you’re playing with instead of driving. You’re not the only one of the road. Other people have places to go and want to get there with the minimum of hassle. Getting caught at red lights because you’re unwilling the pay attention to the road, the lights or your driving is annoying. There’s way too many of us on the these roads for you to be fucking about and not focusing on the task at hand. When you act like a fucktard behind the wheel, we all suffer because you’re slow reactions, indifference and erratic actions cause traffic.
Then there’s the highway. Once I finally get out of the town and get onto the highway, it’s a whole new game. The old complaint is still true: no one understands how the lanes work. Allow me to explain for those of you who were never taught and who fuck up the traffic for the rest of us. The right lane is exiting/entering traffic and slower cars. The middle lane is the travel lane and is for people going faster than the right lane but not so fast as to be in the left lane. The left lane is the passing lane or, colloquially, the fast lane. You should only be in the lane if you’re passing slower traffic in the other two lanes or if you’re burning up the asphalt. When you’re done passing, get the fuck out of the lane. In fact, it’s against the law to use the left lane as a travel lane. Police who pull you over for speeding in the left lane can also cite you for failure to keep right (unless you’re passing). Special mention for you assclowns who think it’s appropriate to cut someone off in the fast lane only to stay at exactly the same speed and not pass anyone. You shouldn’t be allowed on the road.
Another special mention goes out to those people in the travel lane who, for whatever reason, think it’s personal when someone passes them. If I’m doing 70mph in the travel lane and you’re doing 65mph, I’m going to catch up to you. If the left lane is open, I’m going to pass you. It’s not fucking personal or a challenge. I’m just passing you because we’re doing different speeds. Good on you for not being in the left lane in the first place. But when I pass you, don’t speed up like some dumb fuck and stick me in the left lane. My only choices now are to slow down and get behind you again, which invariably leads to a repeat of the reason why I was passing you in the first place, or to speed up to pass you. Just the other morning, I had to speed up from 70mph to 85mph just to get past some asshole who was originally going under 70mph.
It’s not war people. It’s not like my father once said to me: “I don’t signal my lane changes because that’s like giving information to the enemy.” It’s a road. Drive it at whatever speed you want and whatever speed you feel comfortable driving, but for fuck’s sake follow the rules of the road. Don’t fuck up everyone else’s day because you have some false sense of privilege. It’s no wonder why road rage happens. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve felt my life threatened on the road due to the actions of the clueless majority. The natural reaction to a threat on your life is either fight or flight. Why are people surprised when it becomes fight?
I’m adding a couple of things that I had forgotten to mention. Luckily people were kind enough to remind me today. When it’s raining or snowing, I understand that it is often necessary to slow down on the roads. However, when you decide that you need to slow down because the rain is scaring you, slamming on your brakes is probably not the best way to go about taking action. I know you don’t realize or care that there are thousands of other people on the road other than you, but when we all slam into you because we can’t get traction to come to immediate stops on the rain-covered asphalt, don’t act surprised. I honestly don’t get it - what causes people’s IQs to drop by 50% when it starts raining or snowing? Seriously, this weather is not new to our little section of the world. If you can’t handle driving in it and insist on making it significantly more dangerous for the rest of us drivers out there, maybe you should just stay home, curl up in bed and have a good cry. If you’re looking for something to cry about, I’ll shove a few teeth down your throat to get you started.
Merging. Yeah. The concept of Yield signs. Let me put it to you this way: the average person on the highway is driving at about 65mph and you want to merge. What’s your best option? I say getting up to highway speed and working your way into traffic, understanding that you don’t have the right of way but that you should be able to maneuver in between cars safely. If the traffic on the highway is stopped, obviously you must stop as well, but in all my studies nowhere have I come across a reference that states that a Yield sign is equal to a Stop sign. Others don’t see it this way. Obviously, the logic is that if you need to merge with people going 65mph, the best way to accomplish this is to come to a dead stop and then try to accelerate from 0 to 65mph in the space of 100 feet. Given that you’re driving a giant SUV and can barely reach the gas pedal, you’re doing to have a tough time accomplishing this goal. Happily you’ve not only made the road much more dangerous because everyone in the right lane on the highway has to dodge out of your lumbering path, you’ve also made it incredibly difficult for those behind you to merge onto the highway. Your single act of idiocy is yet another example of one person’s poor decision making ability leading to traffic problems. You may think it’s safer to come to a stop at a Yield sign, but if you spend a few moments thinking logically about traffic flow instead of plucking your eyebrows or reading the newspaper on the steering wheel, you might come to an understanding that you’re a fucking assclown.
So that’s enough ranting, as I’m getting angry just thinking about the piss poor abilities of most drivers out there. How do we fix it so people are better drivers? I have some suggestions:
First: as soon as they get their learning permit, every kid should spend a year driving with their parent or responsible adult with a good driving record for at least 30 minutes a day, 7 days a week. This is in addition to Driver’s Education.
Second: Driver’s Education should also include offensive, emergency driving skills and decision making. All kinds of potential accident situations and road conditions should be simulated so the student can experience the occurrence and prepare for it happening in real life.
Third: before a person can be licensed to drive a car, they have to spend two years driving a motorcycle. This serves multiple purposes: driving a motorcycle teaches you awareness of other’s actions on the road and keeps you in tune with what’s going on. Failure to pay attention leads to death. These lessons translate to driving a car. Also if there are more and more kids out there on motorcycles, the car-driving public will learn to pay more attention to bikes.
Fourth: Licenses should be subject to suspension or revocation if the driver is pulled over while doing their makeup, shaving, reading, etc. Police should also enforce the failure to keep right law to keep traffic flowing.
Fifth: Driver’s Education should be repeated every five years to hone skills. Advanced classes should be made available for those wishing to become the best they can.
Funding for these extra educational sessions should come from potential new drivers or their families. Not taking these classes would result in ineligibility for a drivers license. If you can’t afford to learn how to drive properly then you should be taking public transportation and be thankful that it’s available. The rest of us are tired of dodging your incompetent ass on the roads.
A driver’s license is a privilege, not a right (something some politicians would be wise to remember when it comes to handing our driver’s licenses like they’re candy). You were never promised a car or the right to drive one on the roads, so we ought to start making damn sure that those who do get on the road in a couple of tons of havoc-wreaking material have the ability to handle themselves and their vehicles.
