The Hitcher Remade
Why? I don’t understand. The institution that is Hollywood sits around wondering why fewer and fewer people are going to movies today when they give us fewer and fewer reasons to bother. Beyond the expense of going to the movies and the fact that home viewing is rapidly gaining in presentation quality (without the hassle of disgusting seats, sticky floors, and hordes of morons who can’t shut up/turn of their phones/stay home when sick) is the simple fact that the big studios are turning out fewer and fewer quality pictures. A further indictment of the industry is this continued practice of remaking movies. This practice it outshined in its laziness and generally poor results only by the practice of turning video games into movies (especially if done by Uwe Boll).
The original “The Hitcher” was a guilty-pleasure, cult-hit movie released 20 years ago. It features one of Rutger Hauer’s best performances (which really isn’t saying much, but I do like Rutger Hauer if for no other reason than his role in “Blade Runner”) and, while you really need to suspend your disbelief (who the hell would pick up a hitchiker like Hauer, even to stay awake?), does a great job of ratcheting up tension. It’s a classic little horror/thriller movie that doesn’t try to provide neat, tidy answers to all the questions it raises, instead satisfying fans with the sheer horrific glee found in scenes such as the one with the french fries. The question that comes to mind then is: what possible purpose would remaking this movie serve?
One and one only: profit. That’s what this whole run of horror movie remakes that we’ve been dealing with lately has been about. Mostly unknown actors (read: cheap), mostly unknown directors (read: cheap), and screenwriters who just want to get their name out there instead of creating a worthwhile script (read: cheap). All the Amityville Horror/Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes are nothing but attempts to cash in on the young crowd who doesn’t know anything about the originals and the older crowd looking for a nostalgic bump. The young people ought to spend a bit more time looking for better horror films (hell, “House of 1,000 Corpses” was an homage to classic horror movies, instead of a remake, and shows a love for those movies that the slick, cheap remakes never have…more power to Rob Zombie, though his sequel sucked ass) and the nostalgia seekers should join Netflix and rent the originals.
These remakes are sloppy and lazy. Most times, the originals weren’t all that good anyway. The fact that the remakes neither improve upon nor even add anything to the originals just demonstrates how lazy the studios are. As much as I like watching Jessica Biel in tight, wet clothing throughout the “Chainsaw Massacre” remake, the rest of the movie is just so bad that it’s easier to Google images of her from the movie and enjoy those than it is to sit through the film.
There’s also no need for these films to be made. There are plenty of writers out there with ideas for new horror movies, even some worth watching. While I didn’t really think “Hostel” was all that great, at least it was an attempt at a new movie. I liked “Saw” (only the first one, not the sloppy sequels) and have heard great things about “The Descent”. As I mentioned before, “House of 1,000 Corpses” was over-the-top fun (though the second movie, as I mentioned, sucks because it dropped all the things that made the characters almost supernaturally evil and reduced them simply to criminals with the tendency to torture and kill, plus the entire location was a character in the first movie and the second was mostly a road trip). Hell, even the crappy “Final Destination” movie was based on something of a new idea.
Hollywood is lazy and greedy. They’re willing to dole out the schlock if we’re willing to eat. So do me a favor people…when these remakes come out, stay home. Then follow that up by not renting them. If we don’t pay to see these lazy, shitty remakes, then they’ll stop making them and maybe give some writers/directors a shot at making a new movie. I’ll be doing that for the remake of “The Hitcher.” Hell, I think I’ll add the original to my Netflix queue so I can enjoy the nostalgia.
